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Post by eversor on Dec 5, 2017 8:30:59 GMT
It's interesting how many times this small group has drawn itself back together (in different forms). I wonder after some of the old members from time to time.
Where is everyone located as far as states go?
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Post by barenkrieger on Dec 5, 2017 16:55:31 GMT
Elizabethton and Johnson City Tennessee
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Post by lychenn on Dec 8, 2017 14:02:32 GMT
Hello Just joining this forum. So thankful to find folks of like mind. Recently reaccepted this is who I am. After denying my right to feel the way I do and causing myself much sickness and insanity I have chosen to be as I am. Fully embrace it. I came to Wayland's sight sometime last year and it resonated with me but I let the world tell me I shouldn't be this way and fell away from it. I am empowered again by uniting with my true nature, no longer denying the beast. I am interested in the camping in Tennessee. Meeting just one other person of like mind would be refreshing to say the least.
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Post by barenkrieger on Dec 8, 2017 21:52:07 GMT
Welcome Lychenn! Your story resonates with me. Feel free to tell more and ask questions.
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mutz
New Member
Posts: 23
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Post by mutz on Apr 27, 2018 12:00:40 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Mutz -
I'm glad to find more people like me. Since I've discovered berserkergaang and somafera I started to understand more about myself.
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Post by xineodinsdottir on Apr 27, 2018 14:30:03 GMT
Hi! I am thankful for this group. Thank you, bjorna, for sharing your stories--and everyone. Bjorna, I did not have the language to describe myself before, but your description of your relationship with Odin really hit home with me. I, too, am a bear. I'm also thankful for Wayland and the somafera website, which has helped me learn about myself and helped me be more confident in my strength. I would say that Wayland Skallagrimsson's books have changed my life. And I also follow Odin in much the same way you describe. You are very inspirational--thank you!!!
I'm a poet, painter, a shamanic practitioner, follower of Odin. I practice tai chi & kung fu (with a tiny 85 yr old Chinese sifu whose "no-inch punch" will send a 300 lb grounded man flying--seriously the real deal), meditation, yoga--all of these things help me manage my energy. It has been a long and rocky road.
A while back, II googled chronic ptsd and found intermittent explosive disorder... lost all hope ... and then found somafera. I am now a 52 year old woman, married 23 years in May, a relationship that has withstood a lot.... (an understatement, as all of you may know). I have been different all my life. When I was not quite two-yrs-old, mom took away the TV guide I was chewing on--she sat me on her lap looking at her, and I grabbed her cheeks with my two little hands and screamed in her face--though she noted I was careful not to hurt her. Shamanically, I believe I was triggered at a young age by close brush with death (nearly drowned at 5 yrs old) and always explosive (my sense of injustice can trigger rage easily). I quit my job maybe 6 or 7 years ago now? I was a professor at a local university where I taught writing (I have an MFA in poetry), but I had to quit when ... my emotions just got the better of me. Seriously, this makes me laugh hysterically sometimes, but I blew up about adverbs once. No, I didn't blow up. I held it in check. But I could not hide the blaze in my eyes. One student who has remained a friend to this day and who was in that class told me once it was a "jump on the desk" moment, and she was sort of awed and proud that I would care so much about adverbs that I would get fiery about it. But she didn't see my deep shame at having had to swallow it down and merely tell the student who had tried to contradict me to simply try what I had suggested as it may lead to better writing. I always told my students to break any rule I threw at them--though they had to have a reason. Student was in-line. I was out. I would sit in the car crying every day on the way to work, worried about what I would do next. So anyway, after that semester, I quit teaching. And then isolation and opportunity combined to give me the chance to completely fall apart.
I learned that old trauma does not go away, learned that psychological torture is as difficult to recover from as physical torture, learned that I needed help (it was a bad relationship when I was 15-17. Very bad. Every kind of abuse, but the one I could never shake was the brainwashing /torture that kept me in a state of terror all the time). I tried everything I could find to help me. Drugs, both prescribed and illegal, alcohol, talk therapy, dancing wildly every day!!!!... and what ended up helping me the most (besides learning about somafera) was my sifu working on my body (helped me transform my body completely--in 7 years, I have lost my dowager's hump. The mind and body are one thing!! Master the one, and you have the other.... Chinese massage is painful, but a good pain, creative pain. Plus the strengthening of my body with internal and external martial arts--and learning how not to become a fetal ball on the floor anytime anyone came at me too fast).
The other big life changer was shamanism. I've had 5 healings with a shaman over the past 6 years... and learned a lot from Michael Harner's Core Shamanism .... One great thing about shamanism is that it's experiential, like ptsd. The psyche takes you on a ride. My guides are Raven, Eagle, Odin, an 8-ft long American lion, and the one I call Krishna because he/she is blue skinned and black haired (he/she is my higher self). Around my neck everyday is a chain with two pendants: one is a feather, the other is a piece of fulgurite my husband and I found on the beach--and beneath it dangling a Valknut. It is my thunder and lightning, and it reminds me to go joyfully into battle wherever I am. Even if that accomplishment is so small as getting out of bed or getting dressed (I sometimes still suffer from deep depression (baby steps!) or going out to a meeting. Or going to visit my dad who is dying from stage 4 brain cancer. I go joyfully into battle, and Odin helps me to be strong and brave. He erases dread, brings joy. My body straightens, the rages grow less frequent, I can make art again. I use madspace all the time when I paint, write poetry, or dance. I rely on it to transport me so that I can do things I am not normally capable of.... Odin, god of ecstacy.... My deal with Odin this year is that I promised to be brave and get my artwork out into the world (for the past 5-6 years I have have not shared my work much because I fear negative or stupid feedback, and it was more important to me to create the work in a fearless environment). So, I submitted to two artshows this year so far and got into both of them! I didn't win anything, but I joyfully went to the receptions and enjoyed the "artist" label under my name.
I was raised Catholic and became atheist at age 13. With shamanism, I've opened to animism and whole new worlds I always knew were there. How long have I tried to pretend I'm normal? I live in a very conservative place. .... and I'm the only one like me that I know. Odin started to appear on his own during my shamanic journeys. He has urged me to journey to his Runes. He said he can speak to me more freely there. (this is a step I have not yet taken.... baby steps! it is my future).
I've come a long way since I quit my job and fell apart, but I have seen the bottoms and edges of my soul. A harrowing of hell. I know what I contain... know I am bigger on the inside than on the out. I believe that Odin was a real person--a shaman, a king, a "god," and we all are his descendants, carry his gene, his stamp. I found out I have a lot of Neanderthal DNA, 306 variants according to 23&me (in the 88th percentile there) and the men on my dad's side are all very hairy (bears all!). I did my ancestry on the Mormon website... you can do it for free and they'll even help you find links and documents. What's cool about the website is there are "mythological" figures there, but according to them, I'm a direct descendent of Ragnar Lothbrok and Azlog--through Ivar the Boneless, who was a famed berserker... and since Ragnar was a descendent of Odin (am I taking this too literally? I don't entirely buy the "facts," but I like the conclusions....), I figured I'm a descendent of Odin, too. As are we all here. I think... My mother is from Sweden... always thought I was half Swedish, but the dna says I'm about 1/3 Swedish, and 1/3 Scottish/British, 1/3 North-Western Russia/Finland. Maternal haplo group H11.
I still have rages, still have problems handling them. I've thought about initiation, but have been pursuing alternate paths. Still looking for maintenance things. Tai chi is great to help calm the wild animal (edit: not "calm" but give the animal something to do). Meditation helps a great deal and helps remind me who I want to be and to be grounded. I use sex, dance, running, and kung fu to work off extra wod. And I often have a whole lot. My favorite thing about being the way that I am is madspace. I love nothing more than to go into a painting and get lost, come back hours later hungry and it's dark out. It's exhausting but radiant work, and it saves my life.
Anyway, it's a relief to me to hear you all speak. You're speaking my language. Thank you for being here!
Also, I have a question for everyone: who else experiences migraines?
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Post by Bertje on May 3, 2018 15:09:15 GMT
Welcome to the forum, hope you enjoy!
P.S... no I dont experience migraines but my mother does, she drinks always too much water wich causes hyponatremia, maybe you experience this to?
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Post by Jan crate on May 4, 2018 18:58:38 GMT
Wow xineodisdotter I can relate to a lot of what you have posted, especially about the brainwashing fear terror thing, made me feel unclean unwanted and as though something was wrong with me.
I practise martial arts as well and practise Russian Systema with guys who are ex special forces so it's all hard brutal true to life combat but in a controlled relaxed manner.
Funny I found core shamanic practise lacked something for me so turned to Cornish traditional witchcraft and its history of shape shifting.
Has anyone else on here had a gangr experience were two animals come as this happened to me recently. One bear the one wolf.
What of constantly seeing and predicting death. Dreaming of people dying.
In Systema they have a practice were the whole group set about you to get you on the ground, once there they begin twisting your arms legs and head, because pain is coming from all angles the body starts to react in strange ways and it relaxes allowing you to overpower everyone of them. Could this bring on the gangr state Wayland
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Post by arngrim on May 6, 2018 18:42:57 GMT
Welcome to both. I have had experiences with both the wolf and the bear, and have always dreamed of death for as long as I remember. Everyone always told me they were just dreams and I used to get frustrated because i felt like i was being shown something i couldnt understand yet.
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Post by xineodinsdottir on May 8, 2018 14:00:13 GMT
Hi everyone! Bertje, I don't drink too much water. ... my migraines have other triggers: stress, too much light/sound/motion, some foods. I can't drink alcohol, and anything but the paleo diet makes me sick. Pharmaceuticals often don't work for me or give me terrible side effects that are otherwise considered rare. I like weed--helps calm me, flip anxiety, be creative, dance, etc...
I heard something yesterday--about how traumatic brain injury (TBI) can lead to migraines. My migraines started when I was 15-17, but that's also when a lot of things change.... Anyway, the more I learn about TBI, the more I understand myself and why I stayed in that bad relationship, why I was so terrified and felt so helpless. So I have this huge ball of fire inside me all the time. Trauma sucks! My neck is ... "broken" is what I call it. After I got out of that relationship at 17, a chiropractor said I had the neck of an 80 yr old woman and asked if I'd been in a major car accident. No. No car accident... after a year and a half of being hit to the floor,,, and all that cringing.... and that first attack where he knocked my head senseless against the hard wood floor-with my hair. I was only 15, almost 16. For him, a jealous rage. For me, total innocence, naivete, stupidity, thinking I was grown up enough to handle the situation ..... ugh.... anyway.... Just had a meltdown last night, eyes are still puffy. Why do I need to do that every now and then? Like a pressure valve where I let off pure pain. Sounds like maybe I'm not done harrowing hell.... I used to have zero middle emotions. Like, the last 6 or 7 years when I fell apart. I went from 1 to 11. That's all I had. One and eleven. For the past 2 or 3 years, I've been slowly adding numbers. Slooooooooooowly. More like fractions of numbers. good god, baby steps. I think I get up to 2, 3, 4, 5, 6? 7??? and then last night something makes me mad and the pile of burning straw I've been kiln drying in my soul for the past month is just waiting for a spark..... ugh..... eyelids still puffy. and today's my day with dad..... (joyfully! how useful joy is! joyfully go into battle. ..... I've quit Energy drinks.............. craving them now). sorry i am all over the place right now.
Jan, Cornish magic sounds intriguing... and Systema has me thinking hard about it, just wow!!.... Here in West Michigan, shamans are still exotic misunderstood creatures. I like core shamanism because I like structure and guidelines and assurances, which I break and remake and do it my own way anyway (i do that with everything). I like guidelines but break rules. The Dalai Lama says one must understand the rules in order to break them properly. That sums me up. I've done some shapeshifting, but nothing hardcore like inviting my inner bear or wolf. It's funny, my husband is a wolf. I've known this for years, long before I knew about shamanism or somafera. He's the Alpha. And I'm his Beta. I've told him once that I'm not a wolf, but I can act like one. I can essentially be a wolf... because I'm smart and resourceful. But I am not a wolf. I am a bear. I have never gone into the woods and become a bear. Hmmm.... I'm going camping in a week. May have to explore that..... though I find it mildly terrifying. What scares me is losing myself and not being able to find it again..... hmmmmm.
I have lived with so much fear in my life. Terror. Horror. Things I carry inside me that no one knows. FIre bombs. Implosions that hurt more than the explosions, the shame and isolation.... fear of hurting others both physically and emotionally.... I am estranged from both sisters.... and then light and love and joy and dancing and purpose and remembering who I am and what I'm here for. On my drum is painted the raven from the flag for the Great Heathen Army, the Viking Horde that invaded Europe in the 800s... a flag made by my (our) ancestors. As soon as I saw the design, I knew it was mine. A little research tells me Ragnar's daughters made it.... Haha! of course! But on my shaman drum, my raven has a white orb in his mouth. It sounds hokey as hell, but I am a warrior, a peace warrior, a love warrior. I am not nice. I will fight you and I will fight for you. If I can only muster the courage to leave my house...... A few years ago, I ran into a shaman in a coffee shop. He asked me if i had Scandinavian heritage. Yup. He nodded and looked around me, leaned in, and said, "You're surrounded by warrior women. They want you to be strong." My response: "That explains MY WHOLE LIFE." At home, I am the Barbarian Queen.
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Post by arngrim on May 11, 2018 0:20:30 GMT
Xine, I am by no means the most experienced with the gangr, yet from my own experience i would advise caution seeking the wolf or bear with unresolved trauma.
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Post by sylvanheart on Jun 19, 2018 0:41:58 GMT
Just joining as well. I am rather excited to find this forum. Fairly recently I came across some of Waylands writings on somafera and was inspired. I have known of the berserks for years and have off and on tried searches that could elaborate on the subject to no avail until coming across what was on Wayland's Uppsala page. I have always had strong suspicions that I may have this within myself but until now, have never heard a single reference to women who have "the beast within" as I've always called it. I certainly never heard anyone speak about its application in our current era outside of a few who have referenced themselves as Berserker or Ulfhednar.
It is heartening to see others on here who have also struggled with this and who seek to know more. To always know more.
- Kirsten
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Post by Jan Crate on Jun 25, 2018 18:44:51 GMT
Well here we go again Odin has shown up again after I gave Him the middle finger several times when he said I was his, well old one eye certainly is patient at waiting for his chosen to try all sorts of things and get forged by life as a new unique sword. The lesson, no one escapes one eye if their chosen, he will engineer your life in such a way as you end up on your arse at his feet, or you will go fucking mad.
As you all know he goes under many names, shock horror even Satan, I say that as Satanists I know identify with him in some very surprising ways.
Humiliation is a good lesson, I was repeatedly kicked punched blooded and dumped on the floor for six months by several ex special forces guys as my anger controlled the way I was practising martial arts. When the blood was pouring out my nose the gangr came on, but was forced down as to go back with it raging would have gotten me another beating, so yes I went back onto the mats and excepted they could kick my arse. The gangr came on in my car and the screaming growling snarling lasted for however long it lasted and I fucking enjoyed it.
I now have found a guy trained properly in the Russian martial art of systema and am learning properly, Odhin will allow you to get the crap kicked out of you again and again and wont come and make it better, watching and waiting till you either break or get the fuck up and deal with it, like that sword that bends but remains true.
DONT CARE IF IM RAMBLING.
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Post by arngrim on Jun 30, 2018 4:12:53 GMT
Hey, welcome Sylvan. And absolutely rambling is encouraged here Jan. Let it out it gets worse the more you try to suppress it from my experience.
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Post by Jan Crate on Jul 25, 2018 14:38:03 GMT
Has anyone else crossed bi frost bridge to try and get into Asgard only for heimdall to drag you away from the gates shouting that your not of their kin and are unclean. This has happened several times in the past two months in the dream state. All I wanted to do was ask Odin about gangr. I thought I'd go to him rather than ask him to come to me.
I have a bear guardian but wolf nature that is akin to the fenrir wolf, if it was let out in all its glory it would consume all in its path such is its chaos and rage. It's wod makes me shake and burn when it comes through me.
I have Seidhr workers refuse to paint the mannaz rune upon my forehead as they have looked into the wolfs eyes. So that begs the question am I berserker or am I a shapeshifter hence the Aesir not wanting to know me as heimdall is a purist and dislikes anything different than his own kind.
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